Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Not so Glad

I woke up this morning and starred at myself in the mirror. My face was blotchy and red and I had a tiny little scratch under my eye. Makes me wonder what I do when I sleep. As I'm looking at myself, I had an overwhelming feeling of wanting change, wanting to be some where else. I've been talking about moving for awhile but still hasn't happened. I know that I get this feeling a lot from growing up a military brat and constantly picking up and starting over in a new town. J doesn't share my feeling on this so much. He was born and raised here and doesn't see himself anywhere else. I know deep down that a move won't change everything, it's not like I'd be a whole different person. All this pondering makes me late for work.

I feel like lately that everyone is so happy, and glad. I can't always be that. Not when money's tight, and wanting something so bad and it not happening, and your BF not being near-by for cry-fests and retail therapy, and everyone around getting blessed with babies and you're not and this constant questioning of what's next? What is my plan?? I'm 29 now. I had plans I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. So what now? I know I'm not the only one going thru these same issues, I DO know this. AND there are far worst things that people are going thru right this very moment. So I tell myself to f*cking snap out of it like I always tell myself because no one else will or even knows this is on my mind.

I am my own motivator.
I will go for a hike this weekend.
I will choose a paint color for the living room.
I will write my letter to myself dated 1day1month1year from now.
I am strong and will get thru this short spat of depression.
I will take a nap when I get home today ;)

1 comment:

jill said...

k. you totally don't know me. just found your blog. i love it. love your honesty. love your scrapping.

and i just have to say it does totally suck going through infertility. i don't know your whole story. just saw the post about basal body temp [HATED that!!] and this post. i'll read more later. but anyways. just know that you are SO totally normal in how you're feeling. i remember thinking i was nuts for awhile. :)
you probably don't want to go to my blog...because i have been blessed with kids now. [at least i remember HATING to hear that anyone was pregnant or having babies...even if i loved them to piceces.]

ok. so i'm rambling. just wanted you to know that i've been there. and it sucks. and i REALLY hope that it happens soon for you. really. there is an awesome MSN support group if you're interested. it helped me a ton. it's called no baby yet.

i'm going to shut up now. :)

adding your blog to my list of favs.